June 2008

There is a story about a great saint who was told by his master to leave his village and travel to another village where he was to meditate under a mango tree. He was told that he would know when it was time to return, until then he was to stay away and not eat any mangoes. He did what his master asked of him, and did not return for 7 years. When he did comeback after an arduous practice of meditation and service in the village of the mango tree, he was given a mango to eat and the gift of full realization. He is the teacher of my teacher.

Every summer for several years I had the opportunity to spend time with a great meditation teacher. Just being in her presence was to be in a perpetual state of oneness and bliss. I loved being in the ashram, following the daily schedule and participating in all of the practices that occurred throughout the day. What was most important to me however was to receive her acknowledgment that I existed, that I was special. This wanting to be known by her colored everything I did and as a result, I lost the connection to my inner self

Acknowledgments did happen, but only at the beginning of my practice, and gradually it was as if I no longer existed. Always filled with a sense of inferiority, I felt even more unworthy, certain that I was unable to attain anything spiritual. During a particularly difficult time of service, I felt alone and abandoned, surrounded by my friends and family, who were ecstatic. Further proof of my unworthiness. One day standing in the hall way, I saw her come towards me and then all of a sudden she turned her head and walked past, I was completely invisible.

Refelcting on what had happened, I remembered the story of the saint sitting under the mango tree and his master sending him away to meditate. I was participating in meditation and the other practices, but most of what I was doing was focusing on outer acacknowledgments and acceptance. This insight brought me to look more closely at my motives. I was fueling my own sense of lack by looking outward and ignoring my inner experiences. So I sent my self away to discover who I am, not to sit under a mango tree, but to live my life in the world and to use the teachings, and the practices to support me. When I could I traveled to the Sierras to sit under a tree, and experience my connection to all that is in nature, and then finding that same connection in the city.

It is my responsibility to study, to meditate, to practice those things that I have been guided to investigate, to make my own conslusions and to recongise my own greatness without expecting a pat on the back by anyone. Attaining self knowledge will happen when it happens, and in the mean time I will continue explore the realms of my inner state through the practice of meditation and making art.