Every summer for several years I had the opportunity to spend time with a great meditation teacher. Just being in her presence was to be in a perpetual state of oneness and bliss. I loved being in the ashram, following the daily schedule and participating in all of the practices that occurred throughout the day. What was most important to me however was to receive her acknowledgment that I existed, that I was special. This wanting to be known by her colored everything I did and as a result, I lost the connection to my inner self

Acknowledgments did happen, but only at the beginning of my practice, and gradually it was as if I no longer existed. Always filled with a sense of inferiority, I felt even more unworthy, certain that I was unable to attain anything spiritual. During a particularly difficult time of service, I felt alone and abandoned, surrounded by my friends and family, who were ecstatic. Further proof of my unworthiness. One day standing in the hall way, I saw her come towards me and then all of a sudden she turned her head and walked past, I was completely invisible.

Refelcting on what had happened, I remembered the story of the saint sitting under the mango tree and his master sending him away to meditate. I was participating in meditation and the other practices, but most of what I was doing was focusing on outer acacknowledgments and acceptance. This insight brought me to look more closely at my motives. I was fueling my own sense of lack by looking outward and ignoring my inner experiences. So I sent my self away to discover who I am, not to sit under a mango tree, but to live my life in the world and to use the teachings, and the practices to support me. When I could I traveled to the Sierras to sit under a tree, and experience my connection to all that is in nature, and then finding that same connection in the city.

It is my responsibility to study, to meditate, to practice those things that I have been guided to investigate, to make my own conslusions and to recongise my own greatness without expecting a pat on the back by anyone. Attaining self knowledge will happen when it happens, and in the mean time I will continue explore the realms of my inner state through the practice of meditation and making art.

On the return as I was coming down the trail I saw the most incredible broken stump. The stump was just off the trail with a backdrop of sky, granite and more trees. I had to stop and take a closer look. I  decided to take a picture so that I could use it as inspiration for future drawings. I reached for my camera, and it wasn’t there. I couldn’t believe it, I always travel with my camera. Evidently I had taken it out of my pack to upload some files and had forgotten to put it back.

I was beyond disappointed. After I returned to the cabin, I tried to remember how it looked. I was obsessed with that old stump,and I tried to draw from memory, but I just couldn’t get it right. Finally I was able to return to the cabin and spend a few more days hiking around the area. This time I remembered my camera, I shot the stump from a variety of angles. Clearly the best view is from above, on the way down. It’s so funny how many times I have hiked this trail and never saw it until that day. Since finding this old stump, I have seen many similar ones throughout the forest. I find them beautiful, and full of life. The contrast between the living and the dead is very compelling, and knowing that even this old stump is teaming with life as it melts back into the earth, brings even more to my imagination. Once back in the studio, I quickly used this image in several drawings. The one in this post is my favorite.

Have you ever lay on your back and looked through the branches of a tree?
Try it some time. Inspiration for the drawings in this section came from spending time on my back looking up into the lacy needles and leaves of many different kinds of trees. I would alter my focus, like changing the depth of filed in a camera to gain a better perspective of what I was viewing. Sometimes I would look up into the middle of a grove, and trees would be surrounding me in a circle. I could focus on the inner circle, or out into the sky. I did this one night looking at the moon, it was so still, feeling the cool nights breeze on my face, the sound of the water nearby, and the light reflecting off the tips of the trees. I knew I had to follow through on this particular theme, to see if I could generate that same experience in my images.

There are many old and dying trees in the areas I like to travel, especially in the higher elevations. At these elevations, just below the tree line, it is east to spot the old trees. Even though the tree is dead, it is still home to much life. Insects, birds, reptiles, even the bears can find food in these old logs. There are many reasons that the trees have died from old age, lightening strikes, and bark beetles. The older trees that are still standing, have such a story to tell, so do the downed ones as well, but the have begun to merge back in to the earth. I often wish I could get them to talk to me and tell me what they have seen and experienced. They also evoke an incredible stillness, and I can feel wisdom and knowledge emanating from them. I wanted to capture that essence.

When you are hiking in the high country just about the tree line and look out into the valleys and canyons below, the forest just spreads on and out below you and I feel like I could fly out over the landscape. There is so much to see and feel, the earths vibration sings in the wind and water, I can feel the earth and air surrounding me above, below, in all of my senses. I feel the gifts the universe has to offer all of us if we just stop and listen for a while.

This is what I received from my father, a love and an appreciation of all that is wild and free and to keep the experience in the city as well.